I've come to a very important realization this evening... I need to shut my mouth, and not speak until my brain has thought about what it was going to say. I think to fast, and my poor mouth just has to spit out whatever dribble is currently running through. Sometimes it comes out as quick wit... But far too often it just comes out as me being a jackass, or putting down my friends.. or just generally being a person I don't like. The big problem is that i means I talk alot less. (if you don't have anything nice to say...) But it needs to be done. I don't like being an asshole, my synical brain has just learned to cope that way. But i'm going to put forth a good effort, to not speak everytime i'm thinking something.. it will make everyone, especially me, happier.

In that vein, my Instant Messenger still doesn't work.. and the internet in general seems to have crapped out on my laptop and with my cingular phone being as terribly reliable as it is, it leaves me generally disconnected... not that i'd know who to talk to if it did work... Sigh...

These are days, head heavy, eyes glazed.
School is winding to a close... forever. It's odd, too odd, how close it is. And the thing is I don't know where everyone is going and doing... Not like highschool where the colleges your friends are going have names and dates and times. Jobs and uncertainty all of it without gaurantees. I'm rambling, it's late. And I hate when I ramble.

My computers have been freakin' out quite severly, but I think i just regained control of my laptop. Maybe tomorrow i'll try the same thing on the desk top. Try to regain control of my territory.

I'm going up to ship saturday. I love that girl. One day i'll be able to prove it to her. I hope one day soon. But I know how good I have it with her. and that makes me happy.

Happiness being noticably lackin from my life. Maybe i'll find some somewhere. Maybe i'll find it soon. And if not then that too is my cross to bear.

here is the picture, this file doesn't do it full justice. If your interested ask me and you can come take a look at the glossy print. it's really quite amazing.

"People said his brain was infected by Devils"

Not a bad day, went to the mall and got some stuff. A new Dirt bag (hackey sac) to replace mine that got destroyed in the rain eariler this year. As well as two amazing art books. One of Dali, and A huge set of sixty or so Rembrandt prints... the great thing is they were both 3 dollars on the bargan racks. The dali is really amazing, but I think still too far out for me to completly enjoy. The Rembrandt is much more simplistic... but for me there is real beauty in simplicity. There is one piece I am especially drawn too. Now I must preface this by mentioning that i'm not usually a big fan of paintings and pictures of Jesus... I never find that they really capture how I picture the man being. Too often the pictures are on the crucifix, which is dramatic... but doesn't account for the kind of person he was... In my mind, reflective, friendly, very contemplative, I imagine he spent alot of time with his mind wandering... now, most pictures don't capture that kind of Jesus... But one particular Rembrandt work, Jesus at Emmaus, I dunno, just something about it is perfect for me. Maybe i'll post a little snapshot of it. I'm just really really intrigued by it... I thought about trying to do a few sketches of it. I dunno if my meager skills are up to the task however. I guess like so much in my life right now, i'm at the pure hating mercy of time.

I'm starting afresh and anew, in everything I do. Some by choice, others by nessesity. I can't forget the past, even the things i would rather forget. But they are past and all I have is now. So i'll list what I have now, and that'll be enough.

A degree (almost) - Will it help me, not as much as my skills, but i guess the paper doesn't hurt to legitimize me.

A bike - which is good since i don't have the money to put my car through inspection.

Jazz - because it's the only thing that starts inside me and works it's way out

A house - how sadly as the song goes, a house is not a home.

a girl who loves me - even though she damn well shouldn't


So this is my short - though not small - list of my current assests... Now only time will tell where I go from here.