Today was a lazy saturday... I actually got to sleep in until 11:30 or so, which is a rare and much appreciated occurance... Today was also the LVC honors band concert, which consists of high school students from all over PA and Maryland... my parents came up to see it, but beforehand we went to T.J. Rockwell's for dinner.. where after an hour wait I ate ALOT of rhino fries and a very very delicious buffalo chicken sandwhich... which consequentally was most satisfying... Now the honors band concert, was 19 I repeat, 19 marches... Now I like marches a good deal... but it was just too many... Maybe it's not that it was too many... but that doc and hearson talked for almost 5-10 minutes between each song... so it was an hour of music and an hour of talking... which made for OVER two hours of marches and talking about marches...
Tonight Has been a night of thinking... and I really need to spend more time in the practice room... as of now I practice rarely if ever... and I think i'm largely underselling myself... i'm pretty good, I won't lie, My playing has gotten pretty good.. but if I really put in some more practice room time... I could be even better.... Knowing me i doubt it will happen, but I wish it would... I just need to figure out how to make myself do it... I wish I could find that thing, that thing that Dexter, and Coltrane and the Hawk had... that spark and ambition, it almost seems like it's a different consience though process.... something i've touched on... but have never quite been able to find... it's like a smoke filled club, with the soul of jazz just pouring out... whether anyone is listening or not... I know i've felt it on odd occurances... and in the rare recording, you can hear it... a deeper view of the soul, especially players like trane and miles had it... like a window to the soul itself... I wish I could find that... I need to find that... But there aren't smoke filled clubs for me to play.. there aren't people waiting to hear what i'll play next... i'm the only person looking through that window... so maybe it's less that I need to play more, but that i need to understand myself more... often times I feel I still don't know who I am... Like i'm watching my life go by through someone elses eyes.. i'm sure there is probably some physcological term for this... but it's far beyond me to know what it is.. SoI guess I'll just keep playing, and keep listening, and keep feeling, and maybe one day all three will link up and i'll "get it" untill.. I'll have to accept the consequences of being myself... as we all must... and inspite of this.... be happy... which deep down, I am...